Why Most Leaders Get Feedback Wrong | Elevated You

Feedback is rocket fuel for performance. It helps people grow, improve, and become better at their jobs. It's one of the most generous things you can give someone.

And yet most leaders are absolutely terrible at it.

I recently delivered a session at Tech Show London to around 200 tech professionals, called Be More Valuable: Build Your Human Skills That AI Can't Replace. One of the four core themes was feedback - specifically, how to give it well. Because the communication skills for technical professionals that will matter most in the age of AI are not coding skills. They're human skills. And giving great feedback is one of them.

This post breaks down exactly how to do it.

First, Let's Look at How NOT to Do It

These are based on true stories. See if they sound familiar.

Story 1
Boss: "You aren't proactive in your approach."
Person: "Could you give me an example?"
Boss: "No not really, just generally."

No specifics. Not actionable. Useless.

Story 2
Boss to Lisa (not her real name): "You just need to be a bit less Lisa."
Lisa: [silence]

Genuinely one of the worst examples of feedback I've ever heard. What is she supposed to do with that?

Story 3
Boss: "You're a bit arrogant in your approach."
Person: "What do you mean?"
Boss: "When you talk to people you come across as arrogant."
Person: "I don't mean to. What is it I do?"
Boss: "Well, you're just arrogant."

No specific behaviour mentioned. Just a label repeated with increasing confidence. Nothing actionable at all.

The problem with all three? They're vague, judgemental, and give the person nowhere to go. Let's fix that.

The Principles of Great Feedback

1. Be Timely

Give feedback close to the event. Not necessarily in the heat of the moment - sometimes it's better to let things settle first - but don't sit on it for months and drop it in a mid-year review. Feedback is most useful when it's fresh in everyone's mind.

2. Be Specific

Root every piece of feedback in real, concrete examples. If you're identifying a general trend, note down several specific instances. Vague feedback based on gut feeling doesn't help anyone. "You did this in meeting X on Tuesday" is specific. "You're generally not proactive" is not.

3. Focus on Behaviour, Not Judgement

This is the big one - and it's where most people go wrong.

Words like "arrogant", "aggressive", "slow", or "difficult" are judgements. They're labels you've attached to a behaviour after observing it and making a subjective interpretation. The problem is they tell someone what you think of them, not what they actually did.

Instead, describe the observable behaviour. Things like:

• "You raised your voice during the meeting."
• "You pointed your finger at Darren when you said that."
• "You received the email on Monday and hadn't responded by Thursday."
• "You used this phrase when you spoke to the customer."

Observable. Specific. Actionable. That's what people can actually work with.

4. Exercise Curiosity

Before you deliver your feedback, spend time understanding the other person's perspective. Were they aware of the situation? What happened from their point of view? What were they thinking at the time?

Sometimes there's context you didn't know about. Sometimes the person is genuinely unaware of the impact they're having. A curious approach opens up a real conversation rather than a one-way verdict.

The Accountability Dial: Don't Wait Until You Explode

One of the most common mistakes leaders make is storing up feedback until a formal review - or until they lose their temper. Both are bad.

The Accountability Dial is a simple model that encourages you to engage early and escalate gradually if nothing changes.

Stage 1: Exercise curiosity. If Jane is constantly on her phone in meetings, start lightly. "Hey Jane, is everything OK? I noticed you were on your phone a lot during the meeting - is something going on?" There might be a perfectly good reason. Conversation over.

Stage 2: If it continues, it becomes a slightly bigger conversation. Maybe you explore problem-solving together.

Stage 3: If it still continues, it gets its own dedicated meeting to discuss.

Stage 4: If nothing changes, the conversation turns to consequences.

Curiosity first. Consequences later. Escalate only if you need to. This approach is far more effective - and far less unpleasant for everyone - than letting things fester.

The COIN Model: A Framework for Structuring Feedback

When you're ready to deliver feedback, COIN gives you a clear structure to work with.

• Context: Set the scene. Where and when did this happen?
• Observation: What specific behaviour did you observe? This must be concrete and factual - not a label or interpretation.
• Impact: What was the effect? If there was no real impact, maybe it doesn't matter. If it does matter, be specific about the consequences.
• Next Steps: What should change? Be clear about what you'd like to see differently going forward.

Here's an example of COIN in action.

Context: "In our team meeting this morning..."

Observation: "When you raised your voice, pointed your finger at Darren and said 'Just do your ******* job'..."

Impact: "Darren found this very disrespectful. He was upset and is no longer willing to support you on this project. We've had to spend hours reshuffling the workload, and a number of people have said they'd rather not work with you right now."

Next Steps: "Going forward, I'd ask you to keep your voice calm, watch your body language, and use more respectful language. I'd also like us to explore what triggered that reaction - because I think there's something we need to understand there."

Specific. Behavioural. Impact-led. Actionable. That's COIN.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

One of the things I talked about on stage at Tech Show London is that AI is very good at accessing knowledge and processing information. What it's not good at is navigating real human dynamics - giving someone honest, caring, specific feedback in a way that lands well and drives change.

That's a human skill. And for technical professionals, developing these communication and leadership capabilities is one of the most valuable career investments you can make.

Learning to give great feedback takes time. It's not natural for most people. It takes practice, repetition, and the willingness to have uncomfortable conversations.

But get it right - and the impact on your team, your relationships, and your reputation as a leader is enormous.

Invest the time. Keep at it. And good luck.

BenP